Sunday, September 11, 2011
Roots III - The Provider
Motto: 'Ohana means family - no one gets left behind, and no one is ever forgotten. ~Chris Sanders and Dean DeBlois, Lilo & Stitch
Today I will stop upon another of the root causes that I see for the current crisis. Just to connect with the first two parts, I will remind you that the “roots series” were triggered by my desire to write down some ideas that started to insinuate inside my brain (and soul) in connection to the current crisis. To be more specific, I feel that the crisis we are experiencing these days is not purely financial or economical, social or political. My perception is that current effects in those spheres are actually consequences of an older and deeper-rooted problem, and that is the misunderstanding and misuse of the basic human rights and strange evolution of perception regarding tolerance – how it is and how it should be in a functional world. I would add to the tolerance episode one thing which I did not point out last time - that the public pretence is even worse than manifested intolerance, as it encourages the growth of internally repressed discontent.
Today I am going to approach another effect: the so-called sovereign crisis. In short: one country after another unveils its disability to support future spending (even thou already committed as per the social protection systems in place). It is highly likely that past governments created an over indebtedness in the last years (in Europe, the so-called peripheral economies, especially since creation of the Euro zone). Still, there are more and more voices outlining that the other countries will not be spared of this crisis in the future, as the social protection systems that have been created in the modern years are not sustainable on the long term and should be drastically revised.
Accidentaly I run into this opinion the other day; the idea is partially contested because of the fraud element in the Ponzi idea; however the understanding of the unsustainability of the model is what should really count.
Therefore, it looks like we should not consider that sovereign crisis is linked to potential failure of certain type of state systems - be it liberal (capitalist and/or market-driven) or controlled (communist or religious-driven); it is also not necessarily connected only to the local culture, working environment and efficiency, saving and spending habits.
I go back to the initial issue that triggered the “roots series”: the contemporary human rights. Sometime after the WW2, the basic human rights were significantly enlarged in all areas, one direction being the economic, social and cultural rights ( see also http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Right_to_social_security ). Since then, the population increased significantly in numbers, the work efficiency increased in line with scientific and industrial progress, life expectation is significantly longer. At the same time, health care and education have become more and more expensive, while local and international migration (to the industrial areas, respectively to the most developed countries) is a growing phenomenon. Also during elections period, every party uses social tools to gain votes, therefore the systems grow more and more generous every 4 years. It does not take a genius in mathematics to conclude that the system was deemed to overheat. Every year the budgeting process reveals higher spending need, while the revenue part does not have the same dynamic. For a while, the debt solution seemed cheap and reasonable, however on the long-term this also will eventually turn into a vicious spiral.
This does not stop here. We have on the one hand the beneficiary of the human right – if someone cannot support oneself from own revenues, the State will ensure ‘an adequate standard of living’ (decent housing, health services, daily meal). On the other hand we have the supplier for the human right, respectively the contributor – from own revenues, he must share with the other (usually called ‘the underdog’). There is State support for raising kids, for the unemployed, for the retired, for the disabled etc. And every year the budgets have to be designed and the revenues identified for supporting such system. To this picture, we must add also the resourcefulness of the human kind in terms of finding the easiest way for survival; we should remember Darwin, as his theory applies perfectly to today’s life. People migrate from weaker social systems to stronger ones and make use of the best features. Therefore, the predictability power of those systems is further weakened by variables which they could not foresee or could not dimension properly.
As a consequence of all the above, the most developed countries have quite high (and continuously growing) tax burdens. The so-called emerging and under-developed countries have lower taxes but high (and continuously growing) debt. Who is granting those loans? You may have one guess… that means that when (not ‘if’, but ‘when’!) something will go wrong with the reimbursement, the tax burden in the creditor countries will be increased again. Is this sustainable? Is this fair and reasonable? Was this the purpose of extending the human rights? I must say I do not have an answer to any of those questions.
So, the question should be now: what can we do? Is there still a window of opportunity for real change?
Do not get me wrong: I fully understand the noble purpose of the social systems, however let’s make a thinking exercise: how did people survive before those systems were created? How do people survive today in those countries that do not have the same understanding and rules about human rights as those existing in the developed and civilized countries?
My answer to that question would be simple: family and community. The family is the provider for its children, unemployed, disabled and old (retired) members. The family decides which are offered the opportunity to get proper education and provide higher income; which will stay home and provide hard labor and basic education for the other children; the family will not leave its disabled and old people unprotected, as it has also a community image to protect; the community would support the established, honest and trustworthy families through their time of hardship.
This is how the society used to work. The family balanced the budget and protected its microclimate in order to provide for its members. One step higher, the community did that when the family was in crisis. The State did provide also, but for those categories of people who ‘advanced’ some notable service to the State in return (military, government, legislative, regulatory etc.), more precisely there were pensions however not for everybody. In case you provided a service for the State, then the State provided protection for you in return. No service, no return. You provided only for your family, and then the family was the one providing for you in your older age.
Nowadays people are independent and individualist. Family lost its place in the economy of human life cycle partially because now there is a bigger Provider. The evolution of human rights encouraged that very much. My host on Ego Out (Peter) says that the most predominant religion these days is the one he called ‘Moneyteism’. I fully agree with him.
The most predominant idea in our youngsters’ minds is that commitment and family is old-fashioned. They live the moment, love in succesive intense episodes, then believe they will not need anyone when they will be old and sick. Some even cannot imagine themselves being old and sick, probably also because their old and sick part of the family is comfortably being provided for by some specialized institution. They cannot learn from their wisdom because they do not spend time together. The little children get on their nerves or in the best case scenario just bore them to death.
I found a nice quote about this today: ‘the lack of emotional security of our American young people is due, I believe, to their isolation from the larger family unit. No two people - no mere father and mother - as I have often said, are enough to provide emotional security for a child. He needs to feel himself one in a world of kinfolk, persons of variety in age and temperament, and yet allied to himself by an indissoluble bond which he cannot break if he could, for nature has welded him into it before he was born.’ - Pearl S. Buck
All this happens because our youngsters believe money can buy anything. And there are so many things that can be bought with money! But at the same time so many that cannot!... Let’s take the classic example of a nasty cold – get a handful of medicine or a pre-packed soup, make some tea and drink it, then get into your bed and suffer for some days. Of course the whole package tastes differently if the soup is made with love and actual boiled meat, if the tea is stirred by someone who is actually concerned and so on. Probably people realize for a moment that being sick and alone is not the best combination, but after that they get back in the saddle and spend their time to gain more money and the vicious cycle is resumed.
In the end, the only question that they should ask themselves is if there will be indeed a Provider for their old age. And if they choose the State for that, they should understand that it is a Moneyteism choice – the State does not stir the tea or boil the chicken, does not hug you and does not tell you that you are FAMILY no matter how old, how sick and how grumpy.
One more thing: I focused mainly on the money today; however the same idea applies evenly to education. We rely too much on the State for exclusively providing the education to our children, instead of understanding how much we need to contribute to this ourselves. We promote the role of women in business and politics, sometime publicly point accusatory fingers towards the Western European world that they do not have enough representation of women, that they do not encourage careers for them. Still, if this is done by own free will of those women (and I believe it is), it should not be considered discrimination and should not be changed. I admire very much those women who recognize the need for reviving motherhood and exercise that special role of women in developing strong families and healthy education to their children. We should encourage that instead of interfering with it.
As I always plead for moderate ways, I would say that what we should be doing right now is to reshape the whole social system thinking. I would not say we need to cut it completely, but resize and redefine its purpose, as well as the general paradigm of primary Provider and ‘last-resource’ Provider.
So, I will wrap this up, as I got lost into writing and it came out very long today. What would be then my main message? Let’s look at this crisis just like Japanese do: name it opportunity and change our ways. It may be too late for preserving a way of living, but it is surely not too late for re-shaping our living, in a different way.
Georgina
Saturday, September 10, 2011
INFORMAVORE's SUNDAY No 472
SEARCH
INTERNET
Naming Names on the Internet: http://www.nytimes.com/2011/09/05/technology/naming-names-on-the-internet.html?_r=1&nl=todaysheadlines&emc=tha26
SEARCH & FIND: What, where, how.
Wendy Boswell: The Top Twenty Essential US Government Web Sites: http://websearch.about.com/od/referencesearch/tp/governmentsites.htm?nl=1
The Top Ten Sites For Free Public, Vital, or Historical Record Searches:
Ask,com releases “Ask People” for wider audience:
Few doors remain open for Yahoo:
BLOGS and SOCIAL SITES
The Life Cycle of a Social Network:
Canv.as Paints a New Approach to Social Networking
A new venture by 4chan founder Chris Poole intends to be both social and fun: http://www.technologyreview.com/web/38549/?nlid=nldly&nld=2011-09-09
Twitter has 100- million active users
7 blog commenting guide-lines: http://www.searchenginepeople.com/blog/blog-commenting-guideline.html?utm_source=sel&utm_medium=scap&utm_campaign=email
GOOGLE
Happy Birthday Google: Making Sense of the Web for 13 Years:
A Simpler Approach to Online Identity
A new service, backed by Google, lets you log into any site using one Web account: http://www.technologyreview.com/web/38511/?nlid=nldly&nld=2011-09-06
Google Details, and Defends, Its Use of Electricity:
Google Reveals Energy Consumption to Tout Green Efforts:
Google patents a glove for seeing with your hand:
WORDS, BOOKS, LIBRARIES
A revolution for the book industry: http://www.economist.com/node/21528611?fsrc=nlw|edh|09-08-11|editors_highlights
6 Features to Pay Attention to Before Buying an E-book Reader…!!!:
Sony Reader Wi-Fi ups the bar foe Ebook by adiing a touch screen:
The Kindle Tablet Drum Roll
As anticipation builds for what could be the first real iPad competitor, a stream of news trickles out--including the first hands-on with the device. Only, it seems the Kindle tablet aims for a very different experience than the iPad: http://www.technologyreview.com/blog/helloworld/27141/?nlid=nldly&nld=2011-09-08
Top Ebook Readers for Android Tablets:
SCIENCE
Human Brain Evolution, New Insight Through X-Rays: Experiment Reveals Brain Shape of an Early Human Ancestor:
Peer pressure? It's hardwired into our brains:
See-Through Mouse Brains Created; May Aid Medical Scans
Transparent organs, embryos have real "wow factor," expert says:
http://news.nationalgeographic.com/news/2011/09/110902-transparent-mouse-mice-embryos-brains-fluorescent-science/
Scientists Probe Connection Between Sight and Touch in the Brain:
After a magnetic pulse to the brain, the subjects cannot tell a lie:
Why Is Average IQ Higher in Some Places?
A surprising theory about global variations in intelligence:
Publish-or-perish: Peer review and the corruption of science
Pressure on scientists to publish has led to a situation where any paper, however bad, can now be printed in a journal that claims to be peer-reviewed:
An "Ebay For Science" Promises To Transform The Business Of Research
Instead of being held captive by massive startup and infrastructure costs, Science Exchange allows anyone to have an experiment performed for them--for a fee:
My Beautiful Genome (book): http://www.ft.com/cms/s/2/1b3c1398-d3f1-11e0-b7eb-00144feab49a.html#axzz1X1y9VRAL
My Genome Via E-mail
Trying to understand the six billion nucleotides—all of my DNA—that just arrived in my in-box: http://www.technologyreview.com/blog/experimentalman/27131/?nlid=nlbio&nld=2011-09-06
'Game-changer' in evolution from S. African bones
Earthquake Prediction Still Stymies Scientists:
NASA gives public new Internet tool to explore the solar system:
Neutrinos: Ghostly Particles With Unstable Egos:
Communication Via Electron Spin: Scientists Propose New Kind of Information Technology:
New book about beloved physicist Richard Feynman:
Pictures: "Walking" Fish a Model of Evolution in Action: http://news.nationalgeographic.com/news/2011/09/pictures/110901-walking-fish-pacific-leaping-blenny-evolution-animals
TECHNOLOGY
Why the Next Steve Jobs Will Be in Energy, Not Computers
Looking around, what problem, what opportunity in any way resembles the earliest era of the PC? There's only one: energy: http://www.technologyreview.com/blog/mimssbits/27121/?nlid=nlenrg&nld=2011-09-05.
World’s Largest Fusion Experiment Back in Operation:
Japanese breakthrough will make wind power cheaper than nuclear: http://www.mnn.com/green-tech/research-innovations/blogs/japanese-breakthrough-will-make-wind-power-cheaper-than-nuclea
Photovoltaics Among Fastest Growing Industries in the World:
http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2011/09/110905085957.htm
New Type of Solar Cell Retains High Efficiency for Long Periods:
Innovative Organic Solar Cell Architecture Sets New Performance Level, Belgian Researchers Demonstrate:
Microbes Generate Electricity While Cleaning Up Nuclear Waste:
Room Temperature Superconductivity Claimed for Cuprates
But there's a catch: the room temperature effect appears only inside superconductors that work at lower temperatures, say physicists:
Plastic Bottle' Solution for Arsenic-Contaminated Water Threatening 100 Million People: http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2011/08/110831205923.htm
Bob Rankin- how to clean up your hard drive: http://askbobrankin.com/how_to_clean_up_your_hard_drive.html?awt_l=4jAx_&awt_m=JwPEmLymF8P6SL
Flash Memory That'll Keep On Shrinking
Using atom-thick carbon instead of silicon could pack ever more data into portable electronics: http://www.technologyreview.com/computing/38471/?nlid=nlcomp&nld=2011-09-07
Novel Magnetic, Superconducting Material Opens New Possibilities in Electronics:
EDUCATION, CULTURE, ART
Nicholas Bate- Be bold 101:
Myth-Making: Say It Often, People Will Believe:
People Think the 'Typical' Member of a Group Looks Like Them:
Culturomics research uses quarter-century of media coverage to forecast human behavior:
The power of positive thinking: http://www.philstar.com/Article.aspx?articleId=724107&publicationSubCategoryId=80
Sex Hormones Impact Career Choices, Psychologists Find in New Study: http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2011/09/110901101435.htm
Why We Crave Creativity but Reject Creative Ideas:
The Power of Mistakes: http://thehammockpapers.blogspot.com/2011/09/mistakes.html http://www.edutopia.org/blog/benefits-mistakes-classroom-alina-tugend
Social Security and Retirement Around the World: Historical Trends in Mortality and Health, Employment, and Disability Insurance Participation and Reforms: Disability in Belgium
Project for Excellence in Journalism: Ethics Codes
Trust the evidence not your instinct:
Special! A deathbed story I would never tell:
Lessons from Sherlock Holmes: Confidence Is Good; Overconfidence, Not So Much:
http://blogs.scientificamerican.com/guest-blog/2011/09/06/lessons-from-sherlock-holmes-confidence-is-good-overconfidence-not-so-much/
Philographics
Explaining philosophy through basic shapes:
Explaining philosophy through basic shapes:
A bright miniature about very smart people: http://culturaloffering.com/2011/09/08/very-smart-people--.aspx
BUSINESS
7 golden rules of starting a new business:
http://savedelete.com/7-golden-rules-of-starting-a-new-business.html
The September 2011 Leadership Development Carnival- Back to School Sale
http://www.greatleadershipbydan.com/2011/09/september-2011-leadership-development.html
Welcome to inequality.com
Entrepreneurs, Chance, and the Deterministic Concentration of Wealth:
Executive Excess 2011: The Massive CEO Rewards for Tax Dodging CEOs rake it in while their corporations dodge taxes:.
http://www.ips-dc.org/reports/executive_excess_2011_the_massive_ceo_rewards_for_tax_dodging/
For things I would like you to remember me by- (about ethics):
Four ways managers can impact learning:
You Can't Dictate Culture — but You Can Influence It:
Three steps to handling the unexpected:
Diplo-speak:
HEALTH & MEDICINE
E-Medicine's Perfect Storm A look, in numbers, at the forces shaping electronic medicine.: http://www.technologyreview.com/business/38476/?nlid=nldly&nld=2011-09-07
Human Intestinal Stem Cell Breakthrough for Regenerative Medicine: http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2011/09/110904140417.htm
Gene Defect Predisposes People to Leukemia:
Gel Lets Doctors Fix Ruptured Blood Vessels without Sutures
The new technique could make some delicate surgical procedures quicker and safer. http://www.technologyreview.com/biomedicine/38530/?nlid=nldly&nld=2011-09-08
Smart Phones Help Manage Chronic Illness
Apps that connect to medical monitors have been shown to improve the health of people with diabetes and hypertension—and could ease the burden on the health-care system: http://www.technologyreview.com/biomedicine/38524/?nlid=nldly&nld=2011-09-07
FOOD & COOKING
Closed Source Crops A handful of giant corporations are laying claim to the germ plasm of the world’s major food crops. And when yield is the grail of profit, biodiversity isn’t a priority. http://www.conservationmagazine.org/2011/06/closed-source-crops/
Food Ark
http://ngm.nationalgeographic.com/2011/07/food-ark/siebert-text
Manipulating plants' internal clock offers possibility of all-season crops: http://www.gizmag.com/circadian-rhythm-plants/19737/
The Coffee Illusion: What the Magic Brew Really Does to Your Brain
Coffee does not make you "superhuman." The truth is that you become addicted to caffeine quickly, and soon you are drinking coffee to cure withdrawal more than for stimulation:
Growing Meat in the Lab: Scientists Initiate Action Plan to Advance Cultured Meat:\
Human Gelatin Could Be Used As Ingredient In Future Treats:
New Shark Species Found in Food Market:
Your Gut Bacteria Are What You Eat:
Learning a new word: misophonia- When a Chomp or a Slurp Is a Trigger for Outrage:
MISCELLANEA
What Does Original Sin Mean in the Light of Modern Science?:
http://scienceblogs.com/evolutionblog/2011/09/what_does_original_sin_mean_in.php
Why the trip home seems to go by faster?:
SELECTED NEWS
SPAM & SPYWARE
The Next Wave of Botnets Could Descend from the Skies
Researchers are developing hacking drones that could build a wireless botnet or track someone via cell phone. http://www.technologyreview.com/computing/38512/?nlid=nldly&nld=2011-09-07
VIRUSES & e-CROOKS
How to avoid Internet job search scams
What is scareware?:
Ammyy.com Scam:
How to secure your laptop from theft:
WiFi
DIY iPhone-controlled Home Security Camera for less than $100:
Smartphones as Helpers During Disasters: Software for Autonomous Smartphone Network Developed:
Sunday, September 4, 2011
Love
Last week one of my nieces and her boyfriend came to visit me and we had some nice conversations, of which one extended to general things about life and love. And I remembered I had an old writing that was not published, as at that time the 'involved parties' could very well recognize themselves and it was kind-of-private thinking. Now, after some years, we are all older and wiser, so I shared this on my Romanian blog. And, as it was not so long, I decided to do a first trial on translating one of the Romanian writings for English readers. I do not guarantee the similitude with original writing (nor the coherence of this one), but… here it goes!
If you like it, maybe I start translating others also.
Some thoughts about LOVE – (initially designed on September 15th, 2003)
I dedicate this one to my oldest admirer – may he have a happy life, wherever it takes him!
Motto: infatuation is when you think he's as sexy as Robert Redford, as smart as Henry Kissinger, as noble as Ralph Nader, as funny as Woody Allen, and as athletic as Jimmy Conners. Love is when you realize that he's as sexy as Woody Allen, as smart as Jimmy Connors, as funny as Ralph Nader, as athletic as Henry Kissinger and nothing like Robert Redford - but you'll take him anyway. Judith Viorst, Redbook, 1975
I believe we can never really get inside somebody else’s shoes. We can only imagine ourselves in their place and believe that we feel the same way as they do. But in reality we would just feel the same way as WE feel, under similar situations to the ones in which they find themselves.
I did not understand for a long time (and did not even attempt to) how a man who is deeply in love with me feels, knowing that I do not love him back and will never do. Not until the day I felt the same myself - about another man, who could not respond to my feelings. Starting with the day when I recognized this feeling, I could just sense the pain of my admirer, as it was mixed with his love, every time I was sitting near to him. And then I started to feel a growing tenderness towards him; or perhaps toward me, just as I was seeing myself through his eyes, comfortably settled deep inside his soul. Then after a while, I started to believe that this feeling of tenderness and comfort could make place to something deeper and more mature – a feeling of peace, relaxation and security, a firm believe that next to him I could be just as comfortable as I was with my own self. That we could melt together into one being, so dear to me as it was selfish – essentially WE could become… ME!
It did not happen, most probably because it would have been a big mistake. And a lot of people miss similar opportunities, with the excuse that ‘it is not love’ – right?
But then I wonder – who am I to decide which one of the multitude of feelings that find shelter inside my heart is LOVE? I would rather say inside my body, because I have no idea when and why was the heart designated as the only one responsible for our feelings. The heart is the one that hurts when something goes wrong and breaks down when we take too much upon ourselves. But we feel with our entire bodies. Purely from physical point of view, the heart is a meeting point – through the blood stream it looks like it collects everything that is sent by each and every part of our body, while sensations are actually processed inside the brain. But the feeling receptors are distributed all over our body, even if the sensations have variable intensity. However, in this world of chaotic sensations, some wise people a long time ago decided it is better to attribute responsibilities, then over-simplified something that nobody could understand or explain. Perhaps because of its central role in the blood-management (essential for life – however just as essential as breathing and eating) or maybe because of a simple and conventional voting process, the heart got designated as responsible for our feelings.
I come back now to the question, to which I am not sure I will ever want to find an ultimate answer: who am I to decide, from the multitude of feelings with which I go to sleep at night and gracefully wake up the next morning, which one of that is actually LOVE?
I use to call love that strange cumulative sensation that comes from something that resembles a punch in the stomach, doubled by a weight on my chest and some air inside my brain; sometimes strange whistling sounds inside my ears add up, as well as a wide range of other physiological symptoms. All are a nuisance whenever they come individually, but result in such a nice sensation when they join forces in the first days of falling in love. I would add to this a basic delay in thinking and reacting to other external factors than the ones connected with and/or coming from the subject of your affection – you get my drift, those symptoms that usually signal either retard or temporary insanity in mature subjects.
I especially love these two phrases from Mignon McLaughlin (The Neurotic's Notebook, 1960):
The hardest-learned lesson: that people have only their kind of love to give, not our kind.
and
We choose those we like; with those we love, we have no say in the matter.
Still, I do not expect the same perception about love all around the world. The description above is the one praised in movies and romance books, however in normal life a lot of people live more or less happily, more or less ever after, while based on different understanding of love. One of the possible explanations for contemporary large rate of divorce and number of marriages throughout one’s life also lies in the misunderstanding about the very purpose of marriage, family and commitment. It is strange to believe that love would last forever as described above (for God’s sake, we would die of heart attacks at the age of 32 if we lived every day like that with our spouses!), but it should grow through a more mature understanding and move from heart to head and backwards every second year or so.
And so it is possible that someone calls love that sensation of comfort and happiness that they get living next to a person that complements their personality, admires and accepts them for who they are, and wishes to live with them forever without interfering with their own self – feeling which I called ‘tenderness’ before. Perhaps another one calls love the feeling of possession, power and control over the subject (more likely ‘object’) of his / her affections; while the partner calls love the feeling of security and belonging that they get next to this powerful person. And there are so many other feelings that mean different things to different people in different context, that may be regarded as (or grow into) LOVE. I can open a long list, on which anybody can add: chemistry / phisical attraction, admiration, respect, worship, suitability, belonging, gratitude, need, commitment, parenthood, honor, and so on. Perhaps love starts with one of them and then gradually passes through others, at different stages during a common life. I do believe that mature love reunites a lot of those feelings and adds on the initial base every year.
And so … I stop here, as I can only imagine one way out of this thinking spiral. I do not believe it makes any sense to wait for various feelings to pass through my heart (alternatively, successively or concomitantly), weight them against each other and then decide which one is (or was) LOVE. I would rather just live with them, and experience the joy or sadness associated with each of them, while being happy that the place is not empty. And to be thankful for their existence in my own way, and make a promise: that the most important of those feelings will stay with me forever and will enjoy a perfectly neutral name: MY LIFE.
Enjoy yours to the fullest!
Hugs,
Georgina
If you like it, maybe I start translating others also.
Some thoughts about LOVE – (initially designed on September 15th, 2003)
I dedicate this one to my oldest admirer – may he have a happy life, wherever it takes him!
Motto: infatuation is when you think he's as sexy as Robert Redford, as smart as Henry Kissinger, as noble as Ralph Nader, as funny as Woody Allen, and as athletic as Jimmy Conners. Love is when you realize that he's as sexy as Woody Allen, as smart as Jimmy Connors, as funny as Ralph Nader, as athletic as Henry Kissinger and nothing like Robert Redford - but you'll take him anyway. Judith Viorst, Redbook, 1975
I believe we can never really get inside somebody else’s shoes. We can only imagine ourselves in their place and believe that we feel the same way as they do. But in reality we would just feel the same way as WE feel, under similar situations to the ones in which they find themselves.
I did not understand for a long time (and did not even attempt to) how a man who is deeply in love with me feels, knowing that I do not love him back and will never do. Not until the day I felt the same myself - about another man, who could not respond to my feelings. Starting with the day when I recognized this feeling, I could just sense the pain of my admirer, as it was mixed with his love, every time I was sitting near to him. And then I started to feel a growing tenderness towards him; or perhaps toward me, just as I was seeing myself through his eyes, comfortably settled deep inside his soul. Then after a while, I started to believe that this feeling of tenderness and comfort could make place to something deeper and more mature – a feeling of peace, relaxation and security, a firm believe that next to him I could be just as comfortable as I was with my own self. That we could melt together into one being, so dear to me as it was selfish – essentially WE could become… ME!
It did not happen, most probably because it would have been a big mistake. And a lot of people miss similar opportunities, with the excuse that ‘it is not love’ – right?
But then I wonder – who am I to decide which one of the multitude of feelings that find shelter inside my heart is LOVE? I would rather say inside my body, because I have no idea when and why was the heart designated as the only one responsible for our feelings. The heart is the one that hurts when something goes wrong and breaks down when we take too much upon ourselves. But we feel with our entire bodies. Purely from physical point of view, the heart is a meeting point – through the blood stream it looks like it collects everything that is sent by each and every part of our body, while sensations are actually processed inside the brain. But the feeling receptors are distributed all over our body, even if the sensations have variable intensity. However, in this world of chaotic sensations, some wise people a long time ago decided it is better to attribute responsibilities, then over-simplified something that nobody could understand or explain. Perhaps because of its central role in the blood-management (essential for life – however just as essential as breathing and eating) or maybe because of a simple and conventional voting process, the heart got designated as responsible for our feelings.
I come back now to the question, to which I am not sure I will ever want to find an ultimate answer: who am I to decide, from the multitude of feelings with which I go to sleep at night and gracefully wake up the next morning, which one of that is actually LOVE?
I use to call love that strange cumulative sensation that comes from something that resembles a punch in the stomach, doubled by a weight on my chest and some air inside my brain; sometimes strange whistling sounds inside my ears add up, as well as a wide range of other physiological symptoms. All are a nuisance whenever they come individually, but result in such a nice sensation when they join forces in the first days of falling in love. I would add to this a basic delay in thinking and reacting to other external factors than the ones connected with and/or coming from the subject of your affection – you get my drift, those symptoms that usually signal either retard or temporary insanity in mature subjects.
I especially love these two phrases from Mignon McLaughlin (The Neurotic's Notebook, 1960):
The hardest-learned lesson: that people have only their kind of love to give, not our kind.
and
We choose those we like; with those we love, we have no say in the matter.
Still, I do not expect the same perception about love all around the world. The description above is the one praised in movies and romance books, however in normal life a lot of people live more or less happily, more or less ever after, while based on different understanding of love. One of the possible explanations for contemporary large rate of divorce and number of marriages throughout one’s life also lies in the misunderstanding about the very purpose of marriage, family and commitment. It is strange to believe that love would last forever as described above (for God’s sake, we would die of heart attacks at the age of 32 if we lived every day like that with our spouses!), but it should grow through a more mature understanding and move from heart to head and backwards every second year or so.
And so it is possible that someone calls love that sensation of comfort and happiness that they get living next to a person that complements their personality, admires and accepts them for who they are, and wishes to live with them forever without interfering with their own self – feeling which I called ‘tenderness’ before. Perhaps another one calls love the feeling of possession, power and control over the subject (more likely ‘object’) of his / her affections; while the partner calls love the feeling of security and belonging that they get next to this powerful person. And there are so many other feelings that mean different things to different people in different context, that may be regarded as (or grow into) LOVE. I can open a long list, on which anybody can add: chemistry / phisical attraction, admiration, respect, worship, suitability, belonging, gratitude, need, commitment, parenthood, honor, and so on. Perhaps love starts with one of them and then gradually passes through others, at different stages during a common life. I do believe that mature love reunites a lot of those feelings and adds on the initial base every year.
And so … I stop here, as I can only imagine one way out of this thinking spiral. I do not believe it makes any sense to wait for various feelings to pass through my heart (alternatively, successively or concomitantly), weight them against each other and then decide which one is (or was) LOVE. I would rather just live with them, and experience the joy or sadness associated with each of them, while being happy that the place is not empty. And to be thankful for their existence in my own way, and make a promise: that the most important of those feelings will stay with me forever and will enjoy a perfectly neutral name: MY LIFE.
Enjoy yours to the fullest!
Hugs,
Georgina
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)